While pregnant, I was under no illusion that my body would remain unchanged after the birth of my son.
I knew that my boobs would look different. I knew that even after giving birth, I’d still look 5 months along. I knew that I should give myself at least 9 months to take the weight off, because, after all, it took 9 months to put it on!
But now that I’m actually living in this body, I realize how unprepared I was.
I was not prepared for these feelings of self-consciousness. I didn’t realize that I would miss my old body so much. I didn’t know that this new body would cause such strain in my marriage.
My son will be five months old this week, and I am just now starting to get on good terms with this new body. At first, I hated myself. I hated my scar. I hated my stretch marks. I hated that my belly and belly button looked nothing of their old selves.
I thought I was ugly. I couldn’t wear any of my old clothes. I didn’t want my husband to touch my new, flabby body. I cried a lot.
It’s only been very recently that I’ve stopped being so hard on myself. I’m beginning to accept my scar. My rolls are starting to lessen, and the weight is slowly starting to drop. I’m not exactly crazy about these stretch marks, but to be honest, I will always have my insecurities. I will, most likely, always be self-critical. It’s my burden of womanhood.
My love life is back on track, after nearly five months. It took me all this time to be comfortable with Marshall again. I wasn’t sure that he would still find me beautiful or desirable.
But he does, and I hope that one day I can also see myself as beautiful and desirable. Stretch marks and all.